Adventures in Self Loathing

  There is no better writer than the self loathing writer: this is a paradoxical thought from the mind of yours truly, a writer whose loathing of ones self is embedded in her very soul. Maybe the term "self loathing" is a tad harsh for someone who is enamoured with the act of writing creatively, but I believe it gets the point across, that the best literature often emerges from intense scrutiny of ones own work.

  For a very long time I found myself trapped in a cycle of inspiration, ecstatic writing, neutral writing and then finally loathing ever letter I had written and hiding my work in places no one would ever dare to look. I am that writer who tears their work to shreds, double and even triple bags it before throwing it into the trash, and yes, even burning it, I kid you not. Until the dawn of writing on Microsoft Word I never kept my writing and I regret it, if only for the fact that I would have gotten some terrible laughs out of rereading it. Once I acquired my first laptop and learned all the tools of the trade I decided not to turn my writing into something at risk of starting forest fire in my backyard and instead hiding it in files within files within files on my computer. After this moment I realized there was more to my self destructive cycle, and that every piece of writing I had ever created had a chance at rebirth.

  The fact that I could keep my work without the fear of anyone ever finding it allowed me to return to it after months and even years of despising it. I discovered that given time, much of my writing seemed to improve, so to speak, even through I had done no editing to it at all. This is not to say that every piece I have ever written is salvageable; I have spent many an hour writing stories of up to 70,000 words and then suddenly experiencing some form of divine intervention screaming to me from the heavens, "Dear Lord if you write another word of this abomination the universe just might cease to exist itself!" But all of this being said, failure is a necessary part of writing, for it allows the writer to find themselves and what works for them, not to mention that it is absolutely hilarious to look back on.

  Loving what you write is far from a requirement when writing creatively, loving to write, however, is. From personal experience I can tell you that loathing your own writing can lead to lovely outcomes. You may, for example, become so enraged with your story that you decide to make your characters drink some tantalizing red Kool-Aid in an outburst of mass suicide. You may decide to introduce your lovely heroine to a charming Mr. Ted Bundy, in a tragic mixture of fiction and non-fiction. You may allow your character to trip and hit their eye on a door knob. Be abusive with them. Your story doesn't need to make sense. If you're angry take it out on your writing because God knows we would all love to do it in real life but this is your only outlet so you might as well utilize it, am I right?  Sometimes anger can lead to the most creative of ideas, and sometimes being absolutely ridiculous can allow you to become more light hearted about your own work.

  Leaving your writing to its own devices for a while is another ideal way to renew your creative spirit and lessen your murderous rage. Sometimes I will return to a piece a few months after completely abandoning it and I will think to myself, "This is much better than I originally thought! I'm a God damn genius!" and from then on out I will be more than happy to continue my story. It seems that the best way for one to love ones own writing is in fact by loathing it. That feeling of wanting to decapitate yourself with your own laptop or smash your own skull in with a typewriter, if you're the old fashioned type, is a sign that you're doing something right. You're discovering your own writing style, you're discovering what works for yourself through trial, error, and intense self loathing. But really, is there any better way to do so?

  The moral of my harrowing tales is that there is nothing wrong with a little rage, depression and self loathing when it comes to writing. It's all a part of the writing process and it allows for one to improve upon their own writing and devote themselves to it. Whether it's anger or enthusiasm, feeling passionate about your own work is a wonderful thing. Your feelings will guide you to becoming a better writer, and knowing how to become your own critic is the most useful skill to have.

- Jamie Wilkinson